The Impossible Dream: The Speech Trump Should Have Given

Brilliant scientists from MIT and Berkeley deployed a powerful ray gun against President Trump before his State of the Union speech. This brain-altering gadget did not kill him. Instead it jacked up his IQ 50 points as intended, gave him a conscience and forced him to tell the truth. Wait. I’m dreaming. But here’s an excerpt from the speech President Trump should have delivered, post rays.

First, I promise to stop my crazy Tweets against Kim Jong-un—to lower the chance of nuclear war. Proactive nukes are off the table as an option against North Korea or any other nation. Enough said. I’ll use my Tweeting time instead to make love—with Melania—rather than war. Speaking of which, no more affairs on the side. Enjoy my big hands, Sweetie!

Second, I apologize for selling out the United States. Failing to divest myself of my existing holdings, in a meaningful way, has clearly violated the foreign emoluments clause of the U.S. Constitution.

All along, Vladimir Putin and friends have owned me at least indirectly. But no longer. Tonight I am coming clean and releasing thousands of documents showing how I hoped to make millions off Russian deals at the expense of our country. I’ve learned from my mistakes. I’ll cooperate with investigations into collusion and possible money laundering and obstruction of justice. Not only will I ask my attack dogs on Capitol Hill to end their smears against Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller, I’ll work with Congress on new legislation to end clandestine foreign influence on American voters. It continues to this day.

I also apologize to former FBI Director James Comey and other victims of my cover-up efforts, including the Real News journalists I’ve smeared. Comey…terrific guy. Sorry, Jim! I agree—your loyalty should be to the U.S. Constitution, not me. Scary to think I could try to turn GOP into the Anti-Law and Order Party.

Let’s hope that the judicial system will recognize my current good intentions and show due mercy. If I must go to jail, I’ll be a model prisoner.

Third, I admit I’ve been a divisive bigot. I deeply regret my racist comments on “s***hole countries.” Tonight I am asking for more foreign aid for low-income nations in Africa and elsewhere, as well as meaningful disaster relief for our own brown-skilled Americans in Puerto Rico. Foreign aid of all kinds takes up just a speck of our four trillion-dollar federal budget. More for aid can mean less money for bullets. Here’s to American soft power! I don’t need a bloated defense budget to show how big my hands are.

I also want to acknowledge that “some very fine people” were not on both sides when Nazis and others clashed in Charlottesville. I deeply regret that hate crimes have risen under my presidency.

Furthermore, Speaker of the House Nancy Pilosi is right. My immigration policy has aimed to make America white again. Instead of seeking to slash the number of legal immigrants, I am asking tonight that the quotas be quadrupled to make us a more more vibrant nation.

I passionately agree that Tech As We Know It Would Not Exist without Immigrants. The Dow would be thousands of points lower without the talent and hard work of immigrants.

Fourth, I admit that global warming is not a Chinese conspiracy. Clean energy counts. It sickens me to think of the onerous tariffs I’ve imposed on Chinese solar panels. Many more people work in solar and wind power than in the coal mines, and my actions could cost thousands of American solar jobs if I don’t reverse them. I’ll support research and other measures to make U.S. solar panel manufactures more competitive without harming the American now at work installing panels.

Fifth, but of equal importance to the other points, I acknowledge I’ve been less of a Robin Hood than a Sheriff of Nottingham. I’ve helped the Republican Congress steal billions from the poor to benefit me and my billionaire buddies. This has to stop. We need to make the rich pay their share. I will investigate ways to undo the damage from the tax cuts. For example, instead of asking for more military spending, I’ll request major defense cuts, as noted—so we can spend more on healthcare in an efficient way, education, Social Security and other social services, as well as small-d democratic financing of infrastructure. No need for new highway tolls that raise the cost of commuting for the poor and middle class. They’ll get free digital passes while the rich pay.

Likewise in the economic area, I now recognize that a high Dow does not necessarily mean prosperity on Main Street, especially since workers claim a much smaller share of national income than in the past. I love investors, but not everyone has money directly or indirectly in the stock market. And speaking of investors, you bet I’ll retain and strengthen financial protections for them and savers. Apologizes to Elizabeth Warren and other consumer advocates. Fantastic woman.

And finally, a huge hug and passionate kisses for my dear Melania right now. (Gestures for her to rise and walk over to him.). Melania, come to Big Hands! Like I’ve said, no more messin’ around. I can see why you’re POed. I promise to love you enough for us to arrive at the next SOTU together, if I haven’t been forced by then to resign in disgrace. If behind bars, I’ll be a true gentleman if they allow conjugal visits. None of this dossier stuff.

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